April 15, 2009
Hey Guys,
I’ve come to accept the sad truth that some people could be irresponsible and inconsiderate enough to neglect their most basic human duty. I’m talking of course about returning movies.
We work hard to provide a service: a guaranteed-alphabetized selection of clean DVDs, including current releases, and a friendly atmosphere with experienced staff on hand to help you in an orderly fashion.
Humble shopkeepers and artists are being taken advantage of and it needs to stop, but I don’t think we’ll ever cure this dark characteristic – living in an indifferent world is part of the human condition and the reason why we’ll never fulfil the dream of creating a socialist utopia. Sometimes it even seems like the movies encourage bad behaviour and those of us with integrity look weak. Is the solution to find peace through strength? Are guns the answer? Sometimes I dream of mighty heroes, like that guy from Quebec played by Jean-Claude Van Damme (the toughest French-Canadian ever portrayed on screen) emerging from the movie world to seek justice, track down the errant DVDs and collect full late fees.
You may have noticed I’m in a lousy mood.
This is how it all started: A beautiful woman walked in yesterday afternoon while I was munching on some Swedish Berries, the generic kind, which Steve buys in bulk. I still can’t believe he charges three bucks a pack!
Independence Day was on, but it wasn’t as good as I remember. Back in ’96 I was actually excited to see Will Smith and when the spaceship’s shadow slid across Washington D.C. it blew my mind – just like the lady that walked in, a curtain of high-powered perfume energy blasting my senses.
I put on my game face.
“Can I help you?” I asked.
“Yes, I would like to rent a movie.” She spoke with a delicate Russian accent.
“Ok, what’s your phone number?”
As I was entering her number into the computer I pictured her walking the snowy streets of St. Petersburg, cheeks flushed, stoically facing the Russian winter wrapped in a fur coat. Looking back, it sounds pretty cliché.
The name Boris Pitsky Schevc- (at least the part of it that fit on the screen) popped up. I checked his info; he had rented three kids’ movies and a romantic comedy. There was also a comment on his file: “Very bossy, insisted on 2 for 1!”
Was this bully her husband?
“This doesn’t seem like you,” I remarked.
“What does it say? Oh, Boris? That’s my brother.”
I offered her some candy and our conversation soon turned serious. Her name is Svetlana Shevchenko and it turns out she is an accomplished scholar. She has a PhD in the philosophy of religion, teaches at the university and is working on a book about TV and film, which was why she came here, “the Grand Central Station of DVDs,” as she wryly put it. She is trying to answer the question of whether art imitates life, or vice versa. Her theory is that film and media change the actual metaphysical basis of our consciousness.
By the end of her impromptu lecture I was having a hard time following. I waited for a pause and then asked her about which movies she planned on watching – my favourite topic of conversation. It was both familiar and universal and I was comfortable enough with it to subtly flirt with her.
“Right now I want to rent whatever is new and popular,” she answered. “It’s for my research. Normally I watch more artistic films.”
I stepped out from behind the counter and led her over to the new releases.
“Oh, I’ve seen that one!” she declared exuberantly, pointing to the new Star Trek.
“What do you think of the ethical implications of human-robot relations in a deep space context?” I asked, trying to impress her with jargon.
“Don’t get me started!” she laughed. Then she put her hand on my arm and let it linger for a moment. We looked into each other’s eyes and beads of sweat started to form on my forehead. She pulled her hand away and asked what I would recommend. I said that she might like Solaris, the Russian sci-fi drama about a planet that exerts a strange and powerful control on the minds of all who dare to venture near. It was the perfect choice. We walked over to the foreign film section to take a look.
The box was missing, so I went to check its whereabouts in the computer. A guy called Peter had taken it two months ago and still had it. I decided to call him then and there to show Svetlana my assertive, yet gentlemanly side. Let her know I could take care of her in more ways than one.
I dialled his number and it rang five times before a man answered in a deep growl.
“Hi, I’m Vic from the video store, can I talk to Peter?
“Is this about Solaris?”
I told him he needed to bring it back because another customer was waiting for it.
“Fuck you! My kid left it under the couch for two months. What are you gonna do about it?” I heard some yelling in the background before he slammed down the receiver.
In this line of work you encounter scum like that all the time so I knew exactly how to handle the situation. With Svetlana still standing in front of me I couldn’t let it end there, so I continued talking to the dial tone and ordered it to bring back the movie AND pay a twenty-five dollar late fee.
I hung up and turned to Svetlana hoping she hadn’t heard the dial tone.
“You know, this job’s not only about watching movies and counting money. Sometimes you really gotta lay down the law. I like to keep a firm, steady hand on the tiller.” I know, I was laying it on a bit think with that maritime metaphor. She may not have gotten my meaning, but she looked at me admiringly nonetheless.
In the end she decided to take the first season of Beverly Hills 90210, saying it was for her research, but I suspect she takes a certain guilty pleasure in it as well.
Svetlana left just as Independence Day was ending. All was well on Planet Earth and in my heart. It’s good to end this entry on a positive note. As I’ve written this I’ve felt the shadow of my anger recede, just like the spaceship at the end of the movie. I was worked up from my conversation, real and imaginary, with that rude customer and writing is a form of therapy. I feel better, but I don’t hold out much hope for the return of Solaris.
All this talk of spaceships and exotic planets has me in the mood for some science fiction. I’m going to watch Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. I’ll let you know if it does justice to the book.
Comments:
averagejoe66: I wouda loved to see humphrey bogart in independence day. too bad he died before they made it.
mulletar: solaris was boring, russian movies are boring, art movies are just a bunch of geeks jerking each other off in the projection booth
Spliffany: Well what kind of movies do you like mulletar? Instead of saying everything sucks, why don’t you tell us whats good?
mulletar: hey spliffany, hows it going? since your asking i really like all sorts of romantic comedies and chick flicks, you know that intellectual jerking off, i really like that too. i lied before but i wont every lie to you again.
always_right_princess: This is so messed up.
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