May 6, 2009
Hey guys,
When I walked in this morning I found a copy of American Pie stuck halfway through the mailslot. Some neglectful customer hadn’t bothered to push it all the way down into the nighttime drop-off box, leaving a prime target for the scavengers that prowl after dark. Luckily it went unnoticed, so all’s well that ends well, but seeing it there sparked an appetite for something I rarely indulge in: high school nostalgia. I had to watch.
Being 10:30 on a school day I didn’t need to worry about exposing small children and their squeamish parents to forbidden R ratings, and it would only have amused the delinquents who hang out here while skipping class. So with a pot and a half of coffee coursing through my bladder, I embarked on a marathon session of all three installments of the trilogy that inspired my perverse, impressionable teenage mind to countless schemes, shenanigans and condom related pranks.
Looking in on the scene from a dry distance got me wondering: could there be any more hilarious film fodder than horny teenagers? From Fast Times at Ridgemont High to Weird Science and Superbad, some of the very best comedies are about the lengths these obsessive, neurotic, depraved creatures will go to make contact with the opposite sex. But I don’t mean to condemn temperamental teens, like I said, I used to be one myself. It’s a sensitive time of life and the institutions that shepherd them are far too rigid.
Take the high school prom for example. It’s a tradition which places adolescents in the steep vice of social pressures – yet it has an idealistic side. It’s a coming of age ritual brought to life by these same films, which are of course the main source of teaching on the subject.
My own prom was a tepid affair; a night filled with expectations and ended with nothing except me drowning my sorrows. My date, Lucinda Fullum, was a lanky redhead who I got to know while writing at the school paper. I’ll always remember the op-ed piece she wrote slamming the administration over weak pressure in the school’s water fountains. In fact it was our shared concern for hydration at school and around the world that brought us together. She had a wide, idealistic smile, punctuated by the dull gleam of braces. After a month working shoulder to shoulder I finally asked her for her number and through the comfortable impersonality of the phone invited her to the dance. At first she said that she had to think about it but eventually agreed to accompany me. She seemed uncomfortable the whole night and left early, pinning the blame on her strict father. Not exactly the glorious Hollywood ending I was hoping for.
The crowning moment in all prom movies is the coronation of the king and queen. I don’t think I would have made a good king myself because I’m not very diplomatic – I find it hard to disguise my true opinions. Furthermore, my smiling muscles don’t have very good stamina – posing for all those photographs would have been a terrible chore. I think that being a Rasputin-style “power behind the throne” is better suited to my personality anyway, so I would like to bestow the honour upon someone else.
I began wondering what it would be like if we held a prom at the video store – not that we are graduating any time soon. It would be festive, yet sophisticated, unlike any crazed high school bachinalia. I’m picturing it more like the Oscars, but without the attention-desperate egos or bizarre, besequined costumes. I decided to nominate a couple for the title of King and Queen of the Store.
There were so many deserving candidates, good family people, enthusiastic youths, wizened old professors; a list as long and varied as our international selection. My train of thought was abruptly derailed by a rowdy “howdy!” There was only one customer who greeted us western style, the irrepressible Jimmy Napoleon. Wearing his trademark black Stetson’s, his beat-up cowboy boots thumped brashly down the aisle. He reached into the pocket of his jean-jacket and pulled out a silver cigarette case.
“What are you crazy? You can’t smoke in here!”
“Don’t be an old stick in the mud, Vic. It’s pouring outside, otherwise I wouldn’t ask.” I couldn’t help but want to look cool so I gave in.
“Fine,” I grumbled, “just go in the backroom.”
His timely arrival made up my mind; he and his wife Georgette were just the pair that merited the title of Lord and Lady of our modest emporium.
Both had successful film careers. Jimmy did just about everything you could think of in the world of film, but is most known for being a stunt double. He has some of the best stories I’ve ever heard and a face etched with lines from each one. He’s stood in for some of Hollywood’s very biggest names – flipping cars, getting bitten by a Bengal tiger and falls, countless falls, off buildings, bridges and cliffs.
These days Jimmy looked a little ragged, but when he got going I could listen to his laid back drawl for hours as he boasted of celebrity encounters and unbridled partying: apparently the entire cast and crew of Police Academy 3 were wired on cocaine for 3 straight months. “Might as well’ve been Scarface,” says Jim. He sure taught me a lot about movies.
Georgette, leading lady, favours a classic starlet look: Jackie-O glasses, slim black dresses and even slimmer cigarettes. Thickly applied powder and lipstick lent her the appearance of a marbled statue, as though she’d turned herself into a monument to her own once-stupefying sex appeal. On the surface, she’s as demure as Jimmy is affable, but pry open her personal vault and she has stories that could rival her husband’s – wining, dining and elbow rubbing with the very greatest show-business had to offer.
Her exceptional looks and natural talents were apparent from an early age. Her parents had put her in theatre school when she was seven and she got a spot in a local furniture store’s commercial soon after. She broke onto the art film scene, which is where she met Jimmy. They were filming the erotic No Sin so Red in Amsterdam when he stood in for her sex-addled, cheating boyfriend. Georgette slapped him in the face and pushed him wildly out a window. It was instant chemistry and after ten takes the glue had set. That night, after the crew had gone to bed, they pulled the stunt one last time, leaping out the window together and making love in the safety net hanging off the side of the building.
She’d lived a charmed life, getting everything she’d ever wanted, mostly owing to her looks. Naturally she’d been attached to them and as they faded, she clung on ever more desperately to her glory days. “Everybody mumbles these days,” she often complains, squarely in denial about her hearing loss.
They must have made a striking couple – the beauty and the daredevil, the envy of the film world. I doubt whether I will ever have experiences that could compare to theirs, yet in a way I’m happy. Like anyone who lives in the past, either through regrets or nostalgia, their lives are tinged with sadness.
My trip down memory lane suddenly rang hollow. I don’t want to forget the past, but dwelling in it doesn’t look like much fun either. From now on, I will look to the future and maybe one day crowning my own video store queen.
But that doesn’t diminish the joy of high school movies. Like I said, there are many classics of the genre. But for now I’ve got an appetite for seriousness. Maybe Silence of the Lambs or something like that. Until next time.
Comments:
Jukeboxsuperhero: THe police academy series was a work of genius
always_right_princess: I just got back after six days in Cuba. Let me tell you, that’s a place where they get the concept of service. They make a great smoothie too. Now I’m glad to be back. I’ve missed reading your blog and I loved your take on the high school prom. Mine was simply amazing. I had the most exquisite dress, custom designed, and a beautiful corsage. After the dance, we drove around in a stretch limo all night drinking martinis and smoking cigars. My date, Drew Haliburton-Montrose, was a straight A student and captain of the lacrosse team. He proposed to me that night at the lookout. Everything was perfect. I am proud to say that we are now married with three adorable blonde children.
videostorevic: Thanks for sharing princess and congratulations on your sweet life. You guys should all come by the store soon, it’s been a while since I’ve seen little Skylar, Apple or November.
averagejoe66: I can relate to you Vic man, my date left me on prom night. it’s even worse though, someone said they saw her hooking up with a homeless guy behind the giant tiger. thankfuly i never saw her again.
SonofEbert: Prom movies are nothing but cookie-cutter drivel, recycled feelings and the glorification of silliness and immaturity. Give me something with depth and passion over stereotyped depictions of teen angst.
videostorevic: Hits a bit close to home, doesn’t it?
The Man Who Came to Rent 